Pico 2/Transcript

School (Opening)

(Open to a classroom, where Pico, Nene and Darnell are sitting. Mr. Flacit addresses the students.)

"Great news class! We’ve found new students to replace the ones who died last week!
As part of the McGibbles’ Kids Program, we are bussing in students from the ghetto! North Philly, to be exact!
Now they’ll finally get the opportunity they deserve! Say hello to your new classmates!"

―Mr. Flacit

(Roc, Leroy, and José then walk in the classroom.)

NAME: ROC

(His stats in STRENGTH and ENDURANCE are maxed out.)

NAME: JOSÉ

(His stats in AGILITY are maxed out.)

NAME: LEROY

(All of his stats in STRENGTH, ENDURANCE, AGILITY, INTELLIGENCE are all maxed out.)

(Pico notices their murderous looks and pulls out his AK-47 Assault rifle. Darnell turns around to face him.)

"Wow, that gun is crunk!"

―Darnell

"Thanks! I found it in the janitor's closet when goth kids were trying to take over the school.
Can you believe we only got three days off for that?!"

―Pico

"For real! But check this shiznit... Those bruthas aren't from North Philly. They are some sort of space jawn."

―Darnell

"Serious?!"

―Pico

"No doubt. Ya see..."

―Darnell

(Cue flashback.)

"Last night me and my boys were just chillin' up Broad Street...
We looked up in the sky and saw some crazy metal jawn flying through the air.
So we shot it down!"

―Darnell

(Darnell and his friends fire towards the sky. A U.F.O crashes in front of Applied Genetics Corp as Leroy, Roc, and José walk out of the wreckage.)

"You boys don't look like youz from around hizza! Where you reprezentin?"

―Friend #1

"'Scuze us, suckas! We'z on our way to the west side!"

―Leroy

"Looks like you be steppin' in the wrong side of town!"

―Friend #2

"You gonna have to pay a protection fee if you wanna get outta this hood alive!"

―Friend #3

"We don't need no protection from no jive turkeys! Roc, pay their toll!"

―Leroy

(Roc approaches Darnell and punches him, sending him flying. As Leroy and Roc walk off, José scares one of Darnell's friends, who flips him off in response.)

(End flashback.)

"These guys sound pretty badass! I bet the aliens have sent them after me!"

―Pico

"If you've got alien jawns after you, we better get you prepared. Let's hit the plaground!"

―Darnell

Meanwhile...

(Cut to Earth's atmosphere. The camera pans up to a U.F.O., and inside the ship are two Penilians.)

"Have the Ghettobots been deployed to Pico's school?"

―Penilian 1

"Yes sir. They should be upon him this very minute."

―Penilian 2

"Excellent. We can not have that little brat interfering with our new plans.
The humans will soon fear their own kind like never before, and Earth will be primed for our rule!
Muah ha ha ha ha!!!"

―Penilian 1

(Cut to the playground. Darnell can be seen wearing protective gear.)

"Ok Pico, it's time for you to learn some street smarts. First off, you are too shy and non-confrontational with people.
I want you to go over there and talk to Timmy, cause you barely even make eye contact with him.
Once I've seen you talk to him, you can come back over and talk back to me."

―Darnell

"Hey Pico! I have class in the room next to yours! I sure am lucky I was absent when Alucard killed my classmates!
My parents thank God because I am still alive. They say I must truly have a "greater purpose" in this world!"

―Timmy

"That wasn't so bad, was it? See Pico, people will talk to you if you initiate conversation with them!
Now, sometimes there are conflicts you can't settle with words. When that happens, you need some fancy fistwork.
Put up your dukes and show me what you got! Don't worry, this umpire uniform can withstand a speeding car!"

―Darnell

(Pico punches Timmy.)

"Please stop beating on me! That's not God's way!"

―Timmy

"Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"

―Darnell

(Pico lands some punches on Darnell.)

"Not bad, but I would hit the gym after school and work on the heavy bag for a bit. You can't always rely on your gun!
Speaking of which, how are you with that thing? Take a few shots at me, I'm bulletproof!"

―Darnell

(Pico pulls out his AK-47 and fires some shots; Darnell easily blocks them. Soon, the Ghettobots walk over.)

"Wut'z this, beat on jive turkey week?
I think we need another go at it! Whattaya say, Roc?"

―Leroy

(Roc approaches Darnell again. He seems to hesitate at first, only to catch him off-guard and punch him, destroying his body armor.)

"Don't think we ain't saving no love for you, Pico! That'z right, we knows all abouts you! Why don't you come visit us sometime in West Philly? That is, if you want your jive turkey friend to live."

―Leroy

(Darnell walks back into frame, clutching his chest.)

"I think I shit my pants!
Let's get out of here!"

―Darnell

(Fade to black; cut to the outside of school. Pico and Darnell walk out the entrance.)

"I'm gonna run to North Philly and tell my dad about this. You should take the El to West Philly and find out what's up."

―Darnell

(Darnell then walks out of frame.)

FRIDAY 3:00pm

911 Records

"Whattup B! Welcome to 911 Records, where the top DJs from Club Cool buy their vinyl!"

―911 Records clerk

What is Club Cool?

"Club Cool is just two blocks away! It's where all the hot DJs and dancers go to party!"

―911 Records clerk

I'd like to buy some records!

"Records are $8 each."

―911 Records clerk

Here's $8, gimme a record!

"Not so fast, B! Where's your DJ bag?"

―911 Records clerk

"Can't you just give me a bag to carry my records in?"

―Pico

"Sorry B, but we don't support disposable paper and plastic bags - it's bad for the environment.
Our pro-enviro policy requires customers to bring reusable DJ bags if they are planning to buy vinyl from this store."

―911 Records clerk

Blarg! Where can I get a DJ bag?

"They're in such high demand that we're sold out. You'll probably have to find someone who has one and borrow it."

―911 Records clerk

That's cool! I'm down with the cause!

"Good to hear! You should come hang out at the CEC in West Philly some time!"

―911 Records clerk

If I had a bag, I'd stick it over your head!

"Woah - chill out dude! We don't need that sort of negative energy here!"

―911 Records clerk

Center City

"Hey there sonny! Think you could spare some change for an old man who is less fortunate than yourself?"

―Old man

Here is a dollar my friend!

"Thank you kind boy! Unfortunately, one dollar isn't what it used to be. Think you could spare me some more?"

―Old man

If I gave you $1, how would you spend it?

"If I had one dollar, I would invest it... In the booze industry! I need something to warm these tired bones!"

―Old man

Sounds like a plan! Here's a dollar!

"Thank you kind boy! Unfortunately, one dollar isn't what it used to be. Think you could spare me some more?"

―Old man

You are the bane of society!

"NO! It is society that has failed me! When I became an alcoholic, there was no government program to help me!"

―Old man

I'm sorry - I didn't realize! Have a dollar!

"Thank you kind boy! Unfortunately, one dollar isn't what it used to be. Think you could spare me some more?"

―Old man

What about AA? It's free!

"Thank you kind boy! Unfortunately, one dollar isn't what it used to be. Think you could spare me some more?"

―Old man

Cry me a river grandpa!

"You are too young to understand."

―Old man

Why don't you suck my nuts?

"You would like that, wouldn't you? Ya little rotten bastard!"

―Old man

If Pico strikes the old man

"You stay away from me, or I'll get up and find the police! I'm not kidding! Leave me alone!"

―Old man

Gym

"Hey there pipsqueek![sic] Do you want to be big and tough like me?"

―Gym teacher

Yes, sir!

"That's good soldier! All you need to do is hit that heavy bag 30 times a day, and you'll be breaking bricks in no time!"

―Gym teacher

No thanks, I don't do steroids.

"Haw! Good one tinkerbell! What you see before you is 10% natural whoopass! Muscles like mine don't come in a bottle!"

―Gym teacher

I can already skool your ass, granpa!

"You're a real funny one! Why don't you flutter over here and show me? I'll swat you like a fly!"

―Gym teacher

Club Cool

"No hand stamp, no entrance. Talk to Amy at the ticket booth."

―Club Cool bouncer

"Sorry kid, you have to be 21 or older to enter this club!"

―Amy

I'll guess I'll go play with my toys then!

"Have fun!"

―Amy

You are hot shit!

"Awww, thanx! Flattery won't get you into the club, though!"

―Amy

I can eat a peach for hours!

"Well that's just freakin' adorable. Why don't you go bug someone else?"

―Amy

But I'm a DJ!

"If you're a DJ, where are your records?"

―Amy

Oops! I must have left them at home!

"Well run home and get them, ya goof!"

―Amy

Have you tried looking up your ass?

"Ewwwwe... You are so fucking disgusting!"

―Amy

Westbound Subway Entrance

"Where do ya think you're going, kiddo?"

―DJ

I want to take the Westbound subway! / To yo momma's house to get some head!

"Tough luck kid. We've decided we're not letting any of your kind into West Philly this weekend."

―DJ

What do you mean by 'my kind'?

"I'm talking about WHITE FOLK, ya dummy!"

―DJ

Say it ain't so, bro!

"We're sick of white folk coming into West Philly and honkifying their culture.
It's bad enough that we have McGibbles feeding everyone shit when they should be dining at locally owned establishments!"

―DJ

"But doesn't McGibbles provide jobs in an area where jobs are scarce, thus providing more income to local residents?"

―Pico

"McGibbles employees get paid minimum wage, which can't buy you shit.
Besides, most the profits end up going to some white dude in a skyscraper somewhere - not the peeps in West Philly."

―DJ

"Why don't people just boycott McGibbles then?"

―Pico

"Because they dun know no better! The schools out here barely teach people to read!"

―DJ

That sucks dude!

"You're damn right is sucks! [sic]"

―DJ

And this is my fault because...?

"...Because you're aware of the problem and you're ignoring it!"

―DJ

"Well if I come into West Philly, I'll be spending money that didn't previously exist in your local economy!"

―Pico

"But you'll be spending it on white folk stuff! We want to keep our culture the way it is - we don't need your money influencing it!"

―DJ

What exactly do white people buy?

"I dunno - doilies and shit! You people buy some of the stupidest crap!"

―DJ

But I'm no ordinary white kid!

"Look, if you wanna come into West Philly, you gotta prove to us that you got soul.
Meet us tonight at Club Cool. If you can prove yo'self on the dance floor and the turntables, you'll be cool wit us.
Ya better be good, tho - cuz my boy Dax ownz the dance floor and I tear shit up on the wheelz of steel.
Just tell Amy that you are one of the DJs and she'll let you in."

―DJ

Pico's House

"I better head over to Darnell's house."

―Pico