Pico vs Bear/Transcript
- "Pico, we've brought you in here because we have an extremely stupid hostage situation.
We thought you would be best suited to take this mutha out.
You might not like who it is, however.
As a kid, you are no doubt a fan of his work.
You must put these feelings behind you, however, and put this bitch on ice." - ―The Commissioner
"Assassin Mission Briefing: Bloodshed in the Big House that Blew"
CONFIDENTIAL
Big Brown Bary
This big brown bastard and his goons have set up fort in their big blue house, and are terrorizing the children who came to visit.
The children are expendable. Take out the bear.
Your mission objectives have been stated.
Do you choose to accept this mission?
ACCEPT or DECLINE
The Assassin Organization takes no responsibility for the loss of life of anyone involved. All actions taken are the sole responsibility of the individual assassin. We don't need another cute bear.
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Bary" - Grossly Obese. Has one immobile arm (right one), similar to Bob Dole's hand. (and other parts of Mr. Dole I do not wish to discuss) Forces the other residents to labor to his benefit. (see any of the "Clean up the House" sequences throughout the series) Suspected child molester, in relation to his daughter(?) "Ojo." Has
delusions of being able to talk to the moon. Sings poorly and loudly. Has issues involving sniffing people.
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Hoe-Joe" - Daughter(?) of "Bary", has issues with determining real vs. fantasy. Has injured herself during one particular delusion, when she jumped from her bed thinking that she could fly. Growth is stunted. Possible victim of molestation by "Bary." I believe her issues are related to her fractured family, namely the separation of her parents, as evidenced by the absence of her mother.
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Piss" and "Poop" - Homosexual otters. Both male, they frequently "hug" on camera in a style that resembles a grope more than a friendly hug. Co-dependent. Mildy delusional, but only when influenced by other members of the house. Listen to loud rap music. Wanna-be DJ's. (see episode "dancing the day away") [sic]
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Titty" the mouse - Suffers from chronic anxiety attacks.(see episode "Big little Visitor") Stutters. Mildly retarded, as evidenced by his inability to catch on to simple ideas. Takes credit for others ideas in order to cover his inability to think for himself. Does not respect the ideas of others when they don't align perfectly with his own views.(see episode "Magic in the Kitchen").
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Titty" (cont.) - Has an apparent slight speech impediment that causes him to constantly talk overly loud and repeat things two or three times. Lives in the kitchen spreading disease and pestilence. Occasionally squats in "Bary's" coffee mug. (see episode "Dancing the Day Away"... he was not caught in the act, but we know what was going on.)
Psycho-analysis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
"Creepo" the lemur(?) - Severe speech impediment. Retarded to the point of not being able to recognize himself in a mirror without assistance. (see episode "Wagon of a Different Color") Plays with a pet rock named "Kid-Rock." Has a red nose, possibly from chronic cocaine use.
Final prognosis, by Dr. Dirk van den Brink, Jr.
Apparently, my television DOES have a "brightness" control, but it only makes the screen lighter, and does nothing for the mental abilities of the characters on it.
Tactical Plan
Bary is currently on the front porch, shooting children and exposing his genitalia to the press. He is armed with a shotgun, and we believe he is injecting himself with adrenaline to enhance his physical ability.
Tactical Plan
You will need to take cover in the bushes. When the bear is busy reloading his shotgun or trying to find a better place to stand, you will take this opportunity to come out and attack. When you are behind the bushes, Bary can't hit you and you can't hit Bary.
Tactical Plan
When Bary is hurt, he will no doubt take shelter in his house. We believe he will seek refuge in the kitchen. Be extremely cautious. Creative measures may be necessary to defeat him. Look for items in the room that can be used against him.
Tactical Plan
Finally, watch out for his goons. They are a sneaky bunch! Good luck!
This concludes the briefing.
Get ready to rumble!
Let's Rumble.
(Pico confronts Bary, who has a child at his mercy with a pump-action shotgun.)
- "Hmm... I think I smell hate!"
- ―Big Brown Bary
(Bary shoots the child in the head with his shotgun as the battle commences. Titty offers defense by throwing bombs from the balcony. Piss and Poop try to flank Pico, only to get killed easily.)
(After Bary takes some damage, another cutscene plays.)
- "Hmm... I think I smell destruction!"
- ―Big Brown Bary
(Bary injects himself with an adrenaline shot.)
(Pico shoots both the bear's arms off.)
- "Uh-oh!"
- ―Big Brown Bary
(Bary retreats to the big blue house. Pico follows him inside.)
(At the stairs, Pico faces off against Hoe-Joe and Hoe-Bear, whom he kills both.)
(If Pico enters the den, he comes across the Shadow of a girl, who will approach his health bar to eat it up. The player will have to quickly shoot the lightbulb, vanquishing the shadow.)
(Pico then enters the kitchen to face Bary. Various bears are either being held hostage, or decorated as corpses. Creepo lounges atop the fridge, chugging beer.)
- "In the corners of my mind... Always raining, all the time.
You can't possibly understand my anguish.
So much is expected of bears in this country.
It's time to stop riding this unicycle called life.
The honeycomb has turned bitter.
The lines of reality and fantasy have been blurred.
This house will soon join me in the fires of hell." - ―Big Brown Bary
(A helmetless Bary stands up from behind the counter, revealing that he (somehow) strapped himself with a suicide bomb vest.)
- "You see, I have dressed myself in explosives.
I'd like to see you stop me now." - ―Big Brown Bary
(Pico shoots the sink, which leaks a puddle of water. He then shoots the toaster off the counter and electrically shorts out the explosives, killing Bary.)
(Fade to black)
- "Great work, Pico! You shorted out the bomb and blew up the bear!
Whattaya say we go out for ice cream? This one's on me!
You can pay next week!" - ―The Commissioner
CONGRATULATIONS!
You have defeated the big brown Bary and his goons, so the world is once again safe for another week!
By killing yet another stupid childrens' icon, you have proven that there is still hope for today's youth. Good job!
MAYHEM BONUS
(Possible: 44)
PLAY AGAIN
MORE PICO!
NEWGROUNDS
KILL POP-ICONS
CREDITS! Learn how it happened!
Bloodshed in the Big House that Blew - Credits
The idea for creating an Assassin mission based on this popular childrens show came thanks to Dirk van den Brink, Jr., who painted quite a picture with his analysis.
All programming and "art" was by me, Tom Fulp.
The characters are parodies of creations by The Jim Henson Company - a bunch of hacks and lawyers who profit off of a dead genius. This parody is protected by the US Fair Use Law, much like Mad Magazine. I don't want to have to say that again.
This game was made for newgrounds.com - so if you see it somewhere else, kill 'em.
The intro and outdoor music is by Tony Doran!
The rest of the music was by The Tomkat and Saucer - an amazing duo known as "The HIGHLANDERS".
If you want to get in touch with The HIGHLANDERS, you can drop an email to Keith Neves!